How to Give Myself

India.Arie: Grains Interludes (is the guiding music for this post...and is fitting for how I now see and understand the world in which we live):

Part 1:
I’m grateful that You created me
From the same grains/from the same thing.
I’m grateful that You never cease to amaze me
The way You love me.

Part 2:
I’m grateful that You never cease to amaze me
The way you love me
From the flicker of an eyelash/to the furthest star
From the pyramids/to the beat of my heart
From a woman in Somalia to a child in Harlem
We were created from the same thing
I’m grateful that You created me from the same grains
From the same thing
I’m grateful that You never cease to amaze me
The way You love me.

Part 3:
Every human being who is
Who has been
And who ever will be
From the most famous/to the most anonymous
We were created from the same thing
You know how many hairs are on every head
And the intention of every heart/no matter the words we said
And every time I think I’m separate
I remember we were created by one God

I’m grateful that You created me from the same grains
From the same thing
I’m grateful that You never cease to amaze me
The way You love me.

Part 4:
I’m grateful that now I can see
That I am a part of everything
And everything is a part of me
You’re amazing”

As a going away gift (from STL/US to Nigeria) in December, one of my favorite lil shawties, Why-vonne, gave me a Black writing journal which she decorated and wrote encouraging Bible verses throughout for my Nigeria trip. If you know me, you know that this gift was UBER timely and touching: I always purchase a new writing journal for the new year AND I love gifts that are hand-made by the person who’s giving the gift. The gesture, amongst other things, really made me see that Yvonne and I are way more alike than I ever knew. She shows qualities that I wish I had within me – she’s deep and has an air about her where you can really see God and His humility through her. On the journal, she pasted a magazine cut-out of the phrase “…how to give myself….” Every time I opened the journal to write and closed it after a day’s reflections, I would always see this phrase and think about what it means “…how to give myself….”

Ending my stay in Nigeria, I think about how much I’ve changed in such a short amount of time. In my thinking. The way I (don’t) handle stress. How I interact with people. My ability to be open to new perspectives. And, most importantly, how to give myself.

I had many expectations in coming to Nigeria. What I would do. How I would live. The fun I would have in a new place. Learning a new way of life. Developing a better spiritual relationship with God. Growing out of my childish thinking. Preparing for my academic and professional future. Becoming a more independent me (not relying so heavily on my core group of friends, but learning how to rely on me and God for problem solving). And while a few of my expectations were met, most of them were not.

And I’m okay with that. Now. I came to Nigeria not having a solid understanding of what a developing country really is and how things work. I didn’t know what living in another place would be like, so I tried very hard to not allow my own prejudices guide my thinking or how I interacted with people. Most of what I expected and desired was simply ignorance on my part; fully understanding what life in a developing country would/should be like could only be learned with experience. Sometimes, one has to live it in order to learn it.

And I believe I’ve learned it. I’ve learned what I needed to learn in Nigeria. I’ve experienced what I needed to experience. In a short amount of time, I’ve come to understand a great deal about myself and the rest of humanity. My ideals have become more solidified. My passions for certain types of people and activities that I want in my life have come into clearer view. My desire to be a better reflection of God’s gift of giving one’s self, in a positive way, has been amplified. In essence, I have come to be so much more thankful for having been made from the same grains as everyone else. We smile in the same language. We love in the same hugs and kisses. We provide for those we love and care for. And we all have a deeper desire to know and understand a higher being that has guided this thing we call life.

I am thankful.

As of May 15, I have successfully matriculated through my MSW program with a phenomenal academic record (what it do, PhD?! I’mma get at YOU in less than 3 years!!) and field work that has really brought the classroom knowledge into full focus. Now, looking toward the future, I know that my heart is in Africa. My heart is for Africa. Upon returning to the U.S., I have come to clearly understand my role and responsibility as an advocate. How, if there is nothing else I do, I have to spread knowledge about the great things of Nigeria and of Africa. I better understand the role of the U.S. in world development, and how far we, as humanity, have come and things we still have yet to accomplish. I know that in everything I have experienced and learned, God has allowed it all so that I can do something for Him and His people. I pray that I will have the courage to speak for the people of Nigeria who have a hard time being heard and to help people understand that change can happen, but it must start from within.

As for life after Nigeria and WashU/STL, God only knows. I was to enter into PeaceCorps in June, but they are requesting additional medical testing that I know I won’t be able to provide for a June departure. SO, I’m hoping that I can submit the necessary tests/paperwork later this year and perhaps get placed in an African country (though a Spanish-speaking country would be interesting as well). I’m open to wherever God takes me. I know that since I’ve gotten through the Najja experience, God will take me where He has to, if I allow Him.

I will soon return to my Mothaland if, for no other reason, than to be with my Nigerian family. I hope my visit won’t stop there. I hope that I can continue making significant change in someone’s life in Nigeria or in another part of Africa. I leave this blog with the following thought (may it change you as it has changed me): We must learn to live more simply in order for others to simply live. This is what it means, for me, to truly give of myself.